[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.