You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”