4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
Him: Are you gonna kill me?
Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.
Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.
I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill
Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?
God I miss my ‘Thirties’….