[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
it’s the silliest best thing
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
good morning
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU