BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.