@ClichedOut

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

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@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@VodkaTiem

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

@mattytalks

(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@EyeSeeYou619

Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.

@NeatFoxes

“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”