[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email


Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14


Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.


(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it


Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo


Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.


“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”