[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.