@ClichedOut

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

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@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@OohSnapItsChris

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!