I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
how can i suffer but with music
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If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.
Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night
Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!