[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
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I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean