@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

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@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@kumailn

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@slimmy_shady

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

@hippieswordfish

‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
um okay
‘some call me the gangster of love’
sir
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”