Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
‘some ppl call me the space cowboy’
‘some call me the gangster of love’
‘some call me m-‘
sir we just need a name for your latte
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”