[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Just had my nails done!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there