[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

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Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached


Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”


idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page


“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!” Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. ” I’m not doing butt stuff, Adam.”


WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.


I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.


Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.


I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife
“you said you wanted the biggest one right”
Because I’m a great husband


*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”


My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.