[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*cough*