[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A friend sent me this.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?