[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.