@mela_shea

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

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@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@PoodleSnarf

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@RBColl

Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?

@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.