[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!