Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Me: Officer I can do this all day
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”