@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

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@POTerritory

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

@AristotlesNZ

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.

@dksc4life

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@LoriLuvsShoes

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?