[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.