[inventing the boomerang]


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They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.


Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me: *already asleep on the couch*


Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.


You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF


Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.


Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.


Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.


*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”


“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”