*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat