*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor