[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Nice try government. But I’m not taking you back until I know where you’ve been for the last two weeks.
I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.