[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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We’ve all been there…
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*frowns in Scottish*
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.