[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

You Might Also Like


My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.


Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing


me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin


Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


Nice try government. But I’m not taking you back until I know where you’ve been for the last two weeks.


I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.


My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.