@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

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@MaryJustice86

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

@Thee1_4U

Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Nice try government. But I’m not taking you back until I know where you’ve been for the last two weeks.

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.