@ShortSleeveSuit

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

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@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@TheToddWilliams

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

@HoldinCoffeeld

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

@kibblesmith

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@FunnyTunes

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!