[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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It鈥檚 only Quarantine if it鈥檚 in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If you鈥檙e looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it鈥檚 in, hit me up.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Customer: I鈥檇 like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Okay
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we鈥檙e at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?