[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Try and stop me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I am patiently waiting for your email
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok