[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
a badder mouse
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”