@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

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@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@seriouslyemily

I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Me: BAHAHA
Cop: drive safe

@abbycohenwl

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

@tiemoose

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back πŸ™

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

@TheMichaelRock

Why would they add “twerk” to the dictionary? People that would use said word can’t read.