[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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*aggressively waits in line*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.