[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes


Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.


Me: You’re leaving us.


Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.


When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics


Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.


You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*


Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.

Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.


me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings


Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping


barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach