[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent