[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
You Might Also Like
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I like long walks away from everyone
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Somebody’s lying.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*