[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
who wants to go expliring
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Thursday Thought.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
get you a girl who
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.