@david8hughes

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

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@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@badboychadhoy

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@ItsJennaMarbles

Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.

@erica_rosie

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game