[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.