I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
You Might Also Like
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game