[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.


Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?


VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!


Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.


[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.


Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.


I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early


First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”


Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.