[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind