The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
We decided to have money instead of children.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
mom gave me mine for free
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.