
Simply brilliant…
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Simply brilliant…
interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?
me: a fire killed my dad
interviewer: i’m so sorry
me: don’t be. i will have my revenge
interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?
me: no. i’m not an idiot.
interviewer:
me: i’m gonna kill its dad
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
KID: yes
ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight
I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I was never good at meth in school…
~or spelling