[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

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I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.


that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”


women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.


[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*


How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?