@PunkHistory “You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
@PleaseBeGneiss [invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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@PunkHistory 
@KalvinMacleod I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
@mejustbeth Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
@CauseWereGuys When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
@WICKEDTRUTH01 *Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
@T_N_Crumpets Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
@TheMichaelRock Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.
Me *should have
@Crystalllowery Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
@brianbowman73 Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
@dafloydsta WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS