@PleaseBeGneiss

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

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@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

@ndiquote

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

@bombchelle87

How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?