@ShutUpThatsWho

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

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@ohpeetie

Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

@TheAlexNevil

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

@cydbeer

I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@upsidedowntrash

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

@JonnyStallone

Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.