[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.