[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
🤣🤣💀
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
concern
wish me luck lads