My Wife: Why are you home so early?
Me: My boss told me to go to hell
[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.
What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.