THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[donut shop]
me: I鈥檒l take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I鈥檒l take a glaze
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I鈥檓 not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren鈥檛 actually KungFu fighting.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you鈥檝e painted before
[doctor鈥檚 office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
starting an onlyfans but it鈥檚 just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”