[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth

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My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell


by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you


I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.


What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs


Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”


My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.


5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.