[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head