{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“you recording!?”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…