Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
oh u like geography? name every lake
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.