Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I came this close!!!!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
WHO DID THIS?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.