I need a chiropractor for my brain.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Do not steal food from the science building!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.