@sonictyrant

[Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster

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@BigJDubz

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

@mommajessiec

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@geowizzacist

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.