@sonictyrant

[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

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@andrewfalloon

My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.

@SloanPerry

when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

@brokeOclock

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

@threetimedaddy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

@squirrel74wkgn

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@MaraWritesStuff

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.