@sonictyrant
@andrewfalloon
My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.
My parents do not have a cat.
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@andrewfalloon
@SloanPerry
when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
@brokeOclock
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
@threetimedaddy
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
@squirrel74wkgn
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
@Mothernetic
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
@MaraWritesStuff
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
@causticbob
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@tastefactory
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
@myonlymizztake
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.