After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website