@sonictyrant
@mousefountain
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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@mousefountain
@AskBellaWagner
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
@dearjhonletter
doctor: i’m sorry but you have 3 months left to live
me: [i slide a $5 bill across the table] make it 1 month
@RachelWenitsky
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
@That_Damn_Duck
In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.
@withanewname
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
@thatdutchperson
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
@CakeThrottle
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
@Skullcat
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
@ShootyDoody
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.