My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.
My parents do not have a cat.
[invention of the milkshake]
drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster
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when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.