@sonictyrant

[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

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@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

@AskBellaWagner

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

@dearjhonletter

doctor: i’m sorry but you have 3 months left to live

me: [i slide a $5 bill across the table] make it 1 month

@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@That_Damn_Duck

In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@CakeThrottle

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@ShootyDoody

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.