(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited