@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

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@joe_binkley

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

@BonaFideIntent

Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She’s being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I’m holding has a more frightened expression

@BoomBoomBetty

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

@Sickayduh

[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.

@JLazySAngus

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

@rcromwell4

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

@dru0887

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around