(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?


Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic


Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.


Some days you’re the cap’n crunch and some days you’re the roof of the mouth.


You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.


If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.