Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!
When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.
We get it already.
You got laid once.
If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.