@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

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@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@Lisa_Laughs_

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

@caliluvgirl77

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

@OfficialMizGin

Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.

We get it already.

You got laid once.

@revious

If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.

@daplusk

I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder

@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

@TheMichaelRock

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

@LaceyNycole

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.