[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.