[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

You Might Also Like


Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’


The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”


Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.


Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”


The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*


Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.


ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.