@ThatDudeF
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
@randypaint
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
friend: why
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
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@ThatDudeF
@pittdave13
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
@Rollinintheseat
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
@Scdavis24
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
@PatsATweetin
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
@sween
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
@junejuly12
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
@renesosa12
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
@KarateDonuts
Spoiler Alert:
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
@QwertyJones3
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.