[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.