@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

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@ThatDudeF

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

@Scdavis24

Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

@junejuly12

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

@renesosa12

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.