@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

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@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times

@cjcapbt

I’m just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@Bentono10

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

@karanbirtinna

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.