INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Oh deer
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no