@BrosefWtheMosef

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

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@AngelaEhh

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@Adar79Angie

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen