Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.


GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good


INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then


Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.


The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.


People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.


I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.


accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy


day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen