@BrosefWtheMosef

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

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@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

@robyndwoskin

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@ObscureGent

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

@PetrickSara

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan