did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen