My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Alexa: *deep breath*