Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot