Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

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Date: Iโ€™m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!


I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift


Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.


*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”


Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.

My question is this…

Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?

Then throw it at her?


I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.


Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.


If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!