Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately