After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
it’s finally my moment to shine
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”