[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.


Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god


Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no


Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you


My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.


Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?


INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure