I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Recipe: One small clove of garlic.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure