[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring